Saturday, July 23, 2005

Up, up yours and away

So I log onto Expedia and Orbitz today because I've used them for years with great success and they've never treated me as shabbily as Travelocity did...

*pregnant pause*

Pardon me, but is my bad karma showing? Because not only did I get the same insulting result from them, they didn't even have the stinking courtesy to keep my credit card info intact when they snubbed me!

Even Travelocity had more class than that!

Guess you're wondering what I did.

After drinking a beer and throwing a hissy fit, I did what any other reasonable woman would do: yelled at my husband.

Am I the only adult in this house who knows how to make a *bleep* plane reservation? Why do I have to do every *bleep* thing around this house and in our life. I can'tstanditcan'tstanditcan'tstandit!

To his credit (or most likely, his disinterest) he didn't react, but calmly informed me of a place I didn't know about called Sidestep. It searches the airline databases and then sends you directly to the chosen airline's website for your purchase. Why he couldn't share this info ten hours earlier in my search will be outlined in a future blog called "Divorce Court". But for now, our story continues:

For the purposes of this blog, let's say I chose a low, low fare from America West. And let's say the price was US$244.

Are you with me?

I click on the "select flight" button and my computer screen goes nuts. A humongous list of about 7,000 flights and their various legs (all in microscopic font, mind you) scrolls down my screen with those little circles on the end for you to choose by putting the black dot in.

I hate those black dots.

If you sneeze, the black dot automatically gets assigned to a circle different than the one you wanted and you have to start all over - after the hour and a half it takes the page to load because 9 million other people are shopping for your red-eye.

*pause for a sip of M.G.*

Where was I?

So in this sea of "low" fares, do I see anything for US$244? You guessed it. I do not!

By now I'm beside myself, muttering quietly, too enraged to bluster. The dog slinks away. The central air shuts off. It's the calm before the storm.

But wait. I look closer. Was that a two-digit fare?

I pull the screen up to my face. It simply can't be.

What I see is a US$99 one way departure, and a US$127 one way return. That's $226.00 folks!! TWO-TWENTY-SIX! The lowest fare on the web, and, if not in plain sight, at least on an actual airline website.

So there you have it. The best freaking airline in the world at this moment. Clearing houses and their mind games be damned.

GO America West!!!!


Thursday, July 21, 2005

True confessions of a bat

A few of you might be wondering why you see references to bats, belfries, The Bat Dame, and other cavey talk on my website, guestbook and blog. In order to spare you the humiliation of being left out of the "in" joke, I am unmasking myself tonight.

I am The Bat Dame.

The Dame is my alter ego, created in a fit of despair over the thankless, lonely, rejected life of the aspiring author. She is sarcastic, cold, and she makes no apologies. She believes that a writer must suffer in order to know the true joy of being published. For life is nothing but a bundle of equal and opposite reactions. There is no light without darkness, joy without sorrow, satiation without hunger.

If there is nothing to compare, there is nothing indeed.

The Bat Cave was a two year cyber phenomenon on Through it I found women the world over who thought like I did. Despaired like I did. Laughed at the same heartless jokes. Refused to whine over failures. But pulled up their bra-straps every day and put themselves out there again. Only to be rejected. And laughed at by other rejected bats.

But still they made fun of themselves. They wrote witty, satyrical songs. They supported each other by poo-pooing any tragedy less than death or dismemberment.

How can one NOT fall in love with such women?

So, as The Bat Dame, I might have built The Cave, but the other bats made it. And we are determined to achieve nothing less than complete domination in the publishing world! If you cruise the offerings on the "Rendezvous" section of my website, you'll meet many bats. And what a talented bunch they are.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Up, up yours and Away!

Okay. Two hours ago I merrily clicked open all the travel sites I cruise for cheap airfares.

I was full of hope, hungry for that secret summer deal, already smelling the jet fuel and reeling from that giddy sense of adventure I always get before a flight.

Had about five windows open for comparing prices, all of which were depressingly close and way too high when, on a lark, I logged onto Travelocity.

That's when the nightmare began.

The prices were amazingly low and that should've been my first indication of doom. Instead, I was thrilled! Is my NY edge really so blunt after 11 years in rural paradise? Apparently so. Because when I was denied the first set of flights after 20 minutes of filling out forms, I tried again! After another 20 minutes my lip was starting to curl back, but I pressed onwards while everyone else in the whole fucking world (apparently) could type faster and were snapping up all my cheap flights quicker than I could book them.

*pause for breath*

I tried different dates, different times, different airports. Tried aisle seats and window seats and even settled for a layover! (smooth plug, eh?)

Uncomfirmed! Uncomfirmed! Uncomfirmed! One or more of your flights HAS NO MORE SEATS AVAILABLE !!!!

But they wouldn't tell me which of the four flights it was! So I had to go back to the beginning over and over and over...

*bangs head on keyboard*

So, tonight I toddle off to bed ticketless and pissed. I wonder what joys tomorrow will bring.


Monday, July 18, 2005


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Saturday, July 16, 2005

Never underestimate the importance of a new bathroom

Most people spend a third of their lives in bed. I spend a third of my life on the toilet.

It's a curse that was handed down to all the women through my mother's side. Future curses might include but not be limited to: unbridled burping, phlegm and martyr complexes. But I digress.

A long time ago in a life far, far away, one of my professors in college told the class that someday they would enjoy a good bowel movement more than they enjoyed sex. I laughed at the time, but I'm not laughing now. So a clean, pleasant bathroom is of paramount importance as I head into the second half of my life.

As a result, renovation is the word of the summer here at the homestead. I live in an 11 year-old builder's spec house, so you can imagine what the cheap fixtures have devolved into. *shudder*. Today was potty installation day.

And what a toi-toi it is!

Mega deluxe design - glistening white and comfy - with whisper quiet flushing action. So those multiple overnight forays will go unnoticed by the rest of the slumbering clan.

Maybe I'm turning pathetic, but as I pass through the garage and see the two other potties resting in their boxes, awaiting their turns, I feel happy. There's nothing quite like a new crapper.

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