Sunday, November 20, 2005

S'wonder-full

I went bra shopping the other day. If you're female, and you're reading this, you know the particular area of hell I journeyed into, so nothing further needs elaborating there.

The difference in this grand adventure was that I wanted a push-up bra. My first. Yes, I'm a push-up virgin. I'm rather well endowed in that arena and never felt the need to accentuate anything more positive than what I had already. All that changed with middle age. Because now what I have is still there, but it's alot further south than it once was.

So, I was inexorably drawn to the WonderBra, which happened to be on sale at the time.

I'm wearing it as we speak. I can take a break and rest my chin on my cleavage. Something I haven't been able to do since I was twenty-two. I mean, I actually have a butt-crack there now. And I'm still filled with wonder at the miracle.

Whoever designed this thing deserves a Nobel Prize. Do they have one for that? They should. Because anyone who cares to attain my amplitude can do so with a simple trip to the department store, thus eliminating the need for expensive cosmetic surgery with its inherent risk of absenteeism from work and the slow destruction of the American Capitalist economy.

People have noticed, too. When I walk into a room wearing this world-shattering gizmo people I've known for years sit up straighter and get rather uncomfortable. I know they're thinking I've gotten implants because as well endowed as I am, for some reason it never showed up in clothes. So they don't know quite what to say.

"Why, Ann. What big breasts you have."

"The better to smother you with."

heeheehee

Anyway, I'm sold. I'll never buy a different bra again. This is it for the rest of my life.

With my luck it'll be discontinued tomorrow. It never fails to happen to me. So, if you haven't invested in one (or five) yet, please do. We owe it to ourselves as women and patriots to keep this company afloat.

10 Comments:

Blogger Daisy Dexter Dobbs said...

I love this post, Ann! I’m also quite well endowed and, being 39 (several times over), I can most certainly relate to the whole going south thing. Ugh. Frankly, when I was younger I never had the nerve to push them up and out and then wear anything revealing enough to show that long cleavage crack. I did try it once and can still remember all male conversation being directed to my chest instead of my face the entire evening.

The great thing about getting older is that you reach this wonderful, free-feeling stage of your life where you realize that, hey, time’s getting shorter and I’ve got an awful lot of fun stuff to cram in before it’s time to say adios. And you don’t give two figs what anyone else thinks or has to say about it! Therefore, I’m putting a WonderBra on my shopping list! :-D

Note that I didn’t say I’m putting it on my Christmas list. No, no, no, no, no. I can’t even imagine what sort of atrocity my husband would end up picking out. Even with a detailed list and photo attached I know I’d end up with something horrendous and then I’d have to sit there with a big fake smile, telling how much I love it while I’m crying on the inside so his feelings don’t get hurt. Been there, done that--many times. And this year the man tells me that he’s going to get me pillows for Christmas. Pillows, Ann! And he said it in such a way that I could tell he expected me to be thrilled to death about it. Yes, I’m afraid the whole sordid story is in the process of becoming another blog post. LOL

November 21, 2005 11:00 AM  
Blogger Ann Wesley Hardin said...

*laughing too hard to type*

I think the funniest thing about it is that I would love to get pillows - big fluffy down ones - for xmas but my hubby refuses to believe it.

For years he's bought me jewelry and I've taken it back and told him "I want pillows" (well, not pillows exactly, that's just an exapmle). To which he replied, "All women say that. I know you really want jewelry."

But I don't! And after 18 years he still doesn't believe me.

So, tell you what, I'll fed-ex you my jewelery and you send me your pillows. LOL!

November 21, 2005 11:59 AM  
Blogger Daisy Dexter Dobbs said...

That's a deal!! :-D

November 21, 2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger Ann Wesley Hardin said...

All this boob talk reminds me of my favorite joke:

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon and asks for a facelift. He tells her of a new procedure wherein a knob is installed behind her neck and every time she wants to tighten up, all she has to do is twist the knob. She signs right up!

Ten years later she returns to the plastic surgeon and says: "Doctor, I've followed your instructions for ten years, twisting and turning 'til I'm tight as a drum, but it no longer works. Look at the bags under my eyes. Can you help me?"

The doctor inspects her and says: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is I can help, but the bad news is that those aren't bags under your eyes. Those are your breasts."

The woman absorbs this information for a moment then says, "Well, that explains the goatee..."

So see? A WonderBra can save you from this embarrassment!

November 21, 2005 12:34 PM  
Blogger Daisy Dexter Dobbs said...

ROTFLMAO!!! VERY funny! Cruel to us poor aging females...but still hilarious. ;-)

November 21, 2005 1:25 PM  
Blogger Nienke Hinton said...

Oh I can sooooo totally relate. My new bra wardrobe is full of push-ups too. It's titillating, isn't it? (sorry)

November 21, 2005 2:17 PM  
Blogger Ann Wesley Hardin said...

Looks like we need to form our own club! What can we call ourselves? There's already The Red Bra Society. How about Up Yours Ladies? Captures our atTITude and our new shapes.

Hmmm. AtTITude, AlTITude...

Come one, help me out here.

LOL.

November 21, 2005 10:32 PM  
Blogger Nienke Hinton said...

ApTITude? It's good we're keeping abreast of the situation... oh come on, I have to go do some work.

November 22, 2005 9:44 AM  
Blogger Ann Wesley Hardin said...

*slides off chair laughing*

What a hooter!

November 22, 2005 9:50 AM  
Blogger Kris Starr said...

*snortker*

November 22, 2005 2:41 PM  

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